Tell me if you identify with any of the following regarding you/your husband:
- He calls in the middle of the night from the ER. You are panicking on the inside but make yourself be calm on the outside. You know if you freak out, he won't tell you the whole story.
- Moving far away from family and all things familiar because that's where he was stationed.
- Weeks apart because of academy trainings.
- He knows the faces of all the area sex offenders.
- You understand why he sits facing the door when you go out to eat.
- You have to be okay with guns in your house, your car and on your off-duty husband.
- Rescheduled Christmases, birthday parties, and anniversaries.
- Shift work. Nights. Double Shifts.
- FTOs.
- Feeling alone.
- Being proud.
- Feeling guilty for griping about your day when he had a drunk vomit on him last night.
- Feeling proud, guilty, and alone all in one moment.
- When you hear about criminals or dangerous suspects, you pray...
- Underpaid, undervalued, overworked, but right where God wants him.
This is an interesting place for a Christian--law enforcement. LE deals with the dark while we focus on the light. As the human eye has trouble fixing itself when the two opposites collide, I think our hearts and attitudes may have trouble, too. It's challenging to stay focused on being submissive and kind, showing the fruits of the spirit when our husbands are in LE work. Many LEOs work two jobs, the pay is usually low, the environment can be hellish, and on top of it all, sometimes they come home beat up! I know I can struggle with being resentful and emotional. I don't want to be but sometimes I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to...I think Paul mentioned this in the Bible :)
Can you identify? Have you been there? Do you ever just want to lean on another woman who gets the "brotherhood" stuff, is very proud of her husband, but also knows what it's like to struggle? Ever need a place in the middle of the night when you're waiting for him to come home from a shift?
Then welcome to your support group! This is a place for prayer requests, shared stories, and encouragement. This is your site as much as it is mine and I want you to feel at liberty to share your point of view. We're still rookies in the LE world, and so far my husband has only worked in Corrections-so there's a broad world I can't comment on-but maybe you can. Let's work together to post good articles that will bless other women walking this thin blue line. Come, relax, share, take part...
14 comments:
I'm new to the blog, but I'm here and I hope to be able to visit often....
My husband has been a police officer for 5 years now. It has been nothing but tough in so many aspects. Right now I am really struggling emotionally as I feel like he eats, sleeps and breathes his career as a Polic Officer. His job appears to be so much more important to him above his family. Does anybody have any helpful thoughts or ideas? I just can't get him to see that his priorities are way mixed up right now.
Welcome Life Here! This is a small place on the web, but I still hope we can help. To be honest, I've not been in your shoes, so I hope some others will respond. My husband is the opposite--I actually wish he'd do more LE related stuff outside of work, like socialize with his LE co-workers, go to the shooting range or whatever, but he prefers to be at home and do other stuff.
However, I've read a lot recently (on police wives online) about your exact situation. There's a book out called "Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement" (I found it on Amazon) by Kevin Gilmartin. I've not read it yet, but from what I understand, he says that guys do what your husband is doing b/c they get an adrenalin high at work and then they don't enjoy being at home. I suggest reading this book, together if your husband will, and if you think this is what's going on you could talk about it. If that doesn't change things, counseling would be the next step-hopefully with someone who understands being a cop. If you are a Christian, pray, pray, pray and don't nag (I know its HARD!). I'll be praying for you!
Life Here, I am so sorry to hear that you a struggling with your husbands job. My dh is not an LE, but he does work for the protection of our country. I can completely relate to the feeling that work seems more important that home.
Why did your dh go into LE? Had he been struggling to feel useful at his previous job?
That is what happened with my dh. He felt completely useless at his previous job. He gained new employment and with it a new sense of purpose. The downside? He works A LOT of hours. At first I really struggled with the situation. After a while and a lot of prayer, I came to realize that it wasn't because he didn't love us or want to be with us, it was that for the first time in a long time he felt like he was making a difference and that he was finally able to provide for his family the way he wanted to.
How to handle it? Well, what worked for me was to calmly (that is the key, to be calm and unemotional) tell him how much we missed having him involved in our lives. And...lots of prayers.
I hope that helps.
Leah
I can't tell you guys how much your simple replies helped to encourage me. I am a Christian and I do know that I fail to pray as often as I should about all of this.
It is also evident to me that I don't let him know enough (those few times he is at home) how nice it is to have him home and that the kids and I miss him so much.
My husband was late in finally choosing a career. He jumped around from job to job before then trying to find something that made him happy. At last he finally decided to pursue a carrer in LE. He joined the Army reserves, became a Military Police Soldier and from there he was able to attend a Police Academy and become a Police Officer. His job as a cop brings him much joy and satisfaction. I am glad for that, but it is hard to spend night after night being a Mom to three kids and always going to bed alone. I have gotten used to it, but sometimes it feels like such a lonely existence.
We even moved away from all my family and friends when he was offered his first job as a LEO. It is so hard when I feel like I don't have the support system that I feel like I really need and I am having to cope all on my own.
I need to be better at praying though and commit it to the Lord. Thanks for that reminder!
LIFE HERE... I'm sorry you are struggling - I do remember those days earlier in my husband's career... I called it "single parenting with a part-time partner"... His sister was going through the same thing so we would get together for movie nights and we joked that we were dating each other since our husbands were too busy or too serious at gatherings... I now understand so much why they are like that because I too now work for the department - in a different unit. I'm just at 5 yrs on the job and I feel like I eat and breathe it... It's not meant to hurt those around us - it's just a very overwhelming job and hard to turn off in your head sometimes. There is SO much to learn and rethink and that's what keeps us alive when we need it. Learn about his job and what it's like - consider going on a ride-along with an officer your husband trusts and it will be very educating. Find activities that you can both enjoy and distract him a little while. We go to baseball games - that is our main "non work" thing, and we work in the yard together. It takes time to adjust! Hang in there.
Morgue Mama,
Thanks for your words of encouragement and insight to all of this. It helps me to know that other wives have been or are in my shoes and that I truly don't go at this all alone. It was also helpful for you to remind me that all of this is not meant to be a hurt to me. I needed to hear that.
I have done a few ride alongs with my husband and it did give me just a small taste of what he deals with on a constant basis. It is a job that I could never do, that is for sure.
Thanks for your thoughts and input! I only visited this site for the first time a couple of days ago and already it has been an encouragement to me.
Life Here,
I can completely relate to your story. The big difference, our move was halfway around the world. Talk about a lack of support system. The good news, I have grown as a wife, mother and person. After 4 years of being away from friends and family I am ready to return to America, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.
I am a better person and my husband has a job that he enjoys.
Take advantage of this time to grow yourself. You will be glad you did and so will your family and friends.
Leah
Life Here, I'm so glad you found this itty bitty spot on the web. If you'd like to talk more please do! You can also email me at allgirlhomeschool@yahoo.com
Police Wives Online is also a great resource, where you can get a lot more responses to your questions than here-even those Morgue Moma and Leah have given some great help here :)
(((HUGS)))
Leah,
My heart goes out to you as you are so far away and have no family or friends even relatively close. Although I have never been in your shoes exactly, my husband was deployed overseas for a year and a half, he is stil currently in the reserves. He has 6 more months until his time is up. He has been home from his deployment for 4 years now, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. Hang in there and know that your fellow Americans support those of you overseas doing an honorable job there.
Okay ladies, here is the situation. There is an opening for SWAT and my husband put in for it. There other guys trying out for the spot don't have as much experience as my husband so I am guessing he has a strong chance at getting it. He has always wanted SWAT and it is extremely important to him. He tried out once before a couple of years ago, didn't make it and felt real dissapointed about the whole thing.
While I don't want him to go through this same type of dissapointment again, a part of me isn't thrilled at all for him to be on SWAT. He is already gone too much and I know that it will just be one more tug pulling him away from me and the kids. I am having a real hard time right now showing my enthusiasm and encouragement in regards to this SWAT opening. I know that I need to be supportive, but I am really struggling with that right now. I know the bottom line is that I am jealous of his job and how important it is to him and how it always seems to rank #1 in his life. HELP! I need prayer real bad right now.
Life Here,
First, let me say again that if you aren't already part of Police Wives Online (the link is in my sidebar) you need to be. Those are the sweetest ladies and you'll get a lot more responses there.
Now, about your concerns, I feel this is pretty deep and might need some outside help. A good counselor would be worth it if it saved your marriage. If you haven't bought the Emotional Survival book I mentioned, this would be the time to get your hands on it.
Can you sit down with your husband and explain sweetly that you really want to have a marriage in which you are both supporting each others dreams, have a thriving relationship and a peaceful home and you want his help on getting there? I think maybe if you bring him in as a partner he'll be more likely to respond than if he thinks he's the enemy.
At Christmas, my stress level with threw the roof and DH and I had to come up with some new ground rules. For us that meant intentionally planning date nights 2x a month, reading our devotional together, and him agreeing to not work any additional shifts. He's since been doing even more to bless our relationship and it's paid off.
I'll be praying for you--and watching for you over at Police Wives Online!
Hey everyone : ) I'm definitely new to all of this. My husband is in the police academy now and I am missing him like crazy! I am also pregnant with our first child and due while he'll be in the academy so major stress. What's the best way to get through the academy and to help him stay positive? Thanks! and hope to talk to all of you soon. : )
Hi Heather,
It looks like it's been a while since you posted, but I just came across it. My boyfriend started the Academy last week, and I'm having many of the same feelings you are. I don't have a little one on the way, but we just moved to a new state (for The Job) and I bet there's a lot we can both relate to. Maybe we can support each other through this journey. Best of luck to you, and I hope to hear from you soon!
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